Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A love misplaced P. 1-2


I never knew why I couldn't make him happy; I just knew that no matter what, I was going to do anything to get his love and approval. No matter how he treated me I still loved him and kept telling myself that one day he would love me too. But it was all a big lie.
 
In the meanwhile I hanged out with him and enjoyed my time; I was day dreaming about him! And I convinced myself that I would never ever live without him. I knew and I was sure at time that he was the right one for me, the first love and the true love.
 
I needed this relationship so badly; I needed to be with him. I wanted to grab his attention; I wanted him to be attracted to me but I never knew why! I knew that it was not because of him or because he was the perfect one or because the attention he was giving me, or the joyful fun time I spent with him where I could be myself acting as it’s so normal to do this and that;
 
I had realized that deep inside of me I wasn’t secure and safe unless I was in a “relationship” with a guy , a “man”; even if this man did not even notice me or give me the attention I needed. I just need to belong to someone. In my case I was so drawn into to him. I was emotionally stuck.  He was my world and he was my life.  He knew exactly what I needed to hear and knew how to use me and use my love for him for his own benefits.  
 
Without going into further details; five years passed without even confronting myself what kind of relationship this was and to where I am going with it? If he really loved me?

Unfortunately there was no one at that time to give me advice or even said the right words for me or helped me open my eyes to see the truth about this relationship…...
 
One day this all ended, it is all gone! Like nothing happened! After I had realized that “it’s not working out… I didn’t know what happened… I was really in love” I ended up with lots of pain and plenty of tears for days, weeks and months.
 
Believe me it hurts too much, it hurts that you can’t catch your breath again, but no whatever what people around me said to comfort, the pain would still be there like stabs in my chest! Or how much I tried to be involved in other relationships to help me get thru this one it didn’t work, it was only running away from facing the truth and running away from my mistakes and the feel of guilt.

The question is, was I really in love? I knew that somewhere somehow inside me there was something wrong but because I still cared for him I was a prisoner to my thoughts and emotions,          I couldn’t get myself out. I just stayed there because of the secure feelings and the fact that I belong to him. 

Continued ………………….

2 comments:

  1. you were in love, with the feelings you had
    but not in love with the person himself
    but after such long time
    you were attached to the world you were so familiar with
    maybe you could have left earlier
    but, as you have said in your earlier posts
    god always have a plan for us

    i will hold this thought until i read the second part of the story

    ReplyDelete
  2. exactly I was attached to the feeling itself.

    ReplyDelete